Liberating Spirit

Can our need to feel safe become our worst enemy?

2010-05-03T12:21:00.011-06:00

I am in the midst of taking an Abnormal Psychology class through LSU and as I journey through the chapters I find myself wrestling with what I believe and what the book is providing me as scientific evidence. But after reading each chapter over at least three times, I have come to discover that what I thought the authors were conveying as fact were actually scientific studies and that my need for concrete valid answers was skewing my translation of the material being presented. I also discovered that my need to place labels on people and things in order to prove my thinking was right was getting in the way.

But isn’t that what all of us do? We try to make sense out of our worlds so that we can feel comfortable and safe in them. And yet our zone of comfort may actually be a danger zone for others. Our comfort zone may be ultimately an illusion that isn’t based on anything except on our interpretations, speculations, rationalizations and what we've been told to be true.

How many times have we been taught the importance of communication to rid ourselves of misunderstandings and misperceptions? And yet, many of us would choose to speculate and draw our own conclusions rather than do that very thing. And to make matters worse, we as a species are so desirous of making sense of our world that we would rather agree together on some type of theory than to admit we do not know.

So my question is, can our need to feel safe by making sense of our world become our worst enemy? Does our need to feel safe close us off from new discoveries and the unknowable?

One of the biggest concepts my abnormal psychology book was trying to convey was what the definition of “abnormal” according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-IV-TR) meant. DSM-IV-TR describes abnormal as “behavioral, emotional or cognitive dysfunctions that are unexpected in their cultural context and associated with personal distress or substantial impairment in functioning.” So, if a culture doesn’t perceive something as abnormal or if a person isn’t distressed or feels seriously impaired, then the “dysfunction” (a disturbance in functioning) isn’t regarded as abnormal. Bottom line, it is a matter of perception and interpretation. It is a matter of what we believe to be right or wrong, abnormal or normal. It is a result of our understanding of our limitations and possibilities.

Fortunately, the authors went out of their way to emphasize that just because we think we know what causes something that in the future this understanding may be disproven. And what we believe to be a dysfunction today may turn out not to be a dysfunction at all. They also stated that if something wasn’t yet proven scientifically, there was a good chance that as our understanding evolved and advances in science improved, the answer would be forthcoming. So, to state that something didn’t exist nor isn’t possible could potentially be faulty thinking. And to take a theory and make it gospel without retaining an open mind to other possible explanations is dangerous as well. In other words, they were telling me "don't throw the baby out with the bathwater" -- keep an open mind AND go out of your way to discover the multi-dimensional interpretation of behavior and disease.

So, my question is, can we as a species come to a place where we can admit that we do not know and may never know everything; and that it is okay to admit that something can happen for a reason that we yet do not understand? Can we get past the all or nothing mentality that would cause us to take sides on issues?

Can the religious admit that there are some things that happen in life that there are no good answers for instead of speculating a cause? Can atheist admit that even though something cannot be proven due to our limitations of perception as human beings that it still can occur? Are we willing to admit as a species that we are not omniscient and are multidimensional beings who are still discovering some of those dimensions?

I'm willing to. It will help me become more focused on helping others heal from their dis-ease, less judgmental and more open to possibilities.

The Great Easter Vigil - Why God Suffers

2010-04-05T04:27:00.010-06:00

This weekend I attended services held at St. James Episcopal Church for Easter. I listened to the story of the Passion of our Lord Jesus Christ according to John on Good Friday. And on Saturday I participated in The Great Vigil of Easter as one of the lectors. I read the story of the flood (Genesis 7:1-5, 11-18, 8:6-18; 9:8-13), Psalm 46, Isaiah 55:1-11 and Canticle 9, The First Song of Solomon. The other lector read passages about the story of creation and Israel's deliverance at the Red Sea. I remember asking God while I was listening, reading, yawning and realizing how LONG the service was, what's the purpose - what lesson am I to receive from all of this?

The song, "A World to Believe In," by Celine Dion kept coming back to me and I felt my heart sing it as a love song to God. The lyrics begin: "I've seen the tears and the heartache * And I've felt the pain * I've seen the hatred * And so many lives lost in vain * And yet through this darkness * There's always a light that shines through * And it takes me back home, takes me back home * All of the promises broken * And all of the songs left unsung * Seem so far away * As I make my way back to you * You gave me faith * And you gave me a world to believe me * You gave me a love to believe in * And feeling this love * I can rise up above * And be strong, and be whole once again..."

And then it dawned on me... The lesson in these stories was the understanding why God chose to suffer through the one (Jesus Christ) and chose not to destroy so vehemently as He had done in the past. God had learned and understood what His creation needed to take the next step toward LOVE. And finally, God was showing us that it was through this suffering that creation was transformed and resurrected.

And then I also began to see why God allowed suffering. I began to understand why I and so many others, along with planet earth herself, had suffered and continue to suffer. It wasn't because God was a masochist or sadist. It was because God understood that destruction such as the flood - the almost absolute destruction of what S/He created -- caused more harm than good and did nothing to direct this creation toward LOVE.

Thus, God chooses to suffer through creation, the one, and the few, so that the many may take a step closer to LOVE. And thus, I can be rest assured that suffering occurs in one's life for personal growth and sometimes for the growth of others. And it's ultimate purpose - even if I do not see it in my lifetime - is to get God's creation closer to LOVE.

The song continues. "...And feeling this love * I can rise up above * And be strong * And be whole * Once again * 'Cause your love * Heals my soul * Once again * I can live I can dream * Once again * 'Cause you made me believe"

Amen.

Forgiveness

2009-08-31T12:45:00.013-06:00

I don’t believe that I am capable to forgive. I’ve never been able to. And yet, I know, that many have emphasized the importance of doing it.

I have come to the conclusion that the act of forgiveness happens as the result of healing. Healing is the result of the filling in of a void within myself. It requires a healing of my spirit/soul. I cannot forgive the transgression until that wounded part of myself that felt the pain is filled in and made whole by God stuff - Love itself. And thus, without God, I am incapable to forgive.

The reason there is a need for forgiveness, is because the perceived transgression placed upon me hits the emptiness and void within my self. This void is what caused my pain, not the transgression. If I were whole and complete in God, my spirit would not be hurt or offended. It would not be possible.

Thus, for me to forgive another I must become whole, my woundedness must be healed. And this is something I cannot do on my own. It is something that only Love (God) itself can do.

Over and over again, when I came across something in my life that was painful and unbearable to forgive, I got on my knees and asked God to help me. I knew I needed to forgive but couldn’t find a way to do it. It was beyond my ability. It required too much. I needed God. I was desperate. It was not a matter of not wanting to forgive but of being incapable.

Time and time again, through this practice of prayer, I found that the transformational and healing power God would grant me, would give me the wholeness I needed to forgive. Forgiveness occurred not by my own doing but by the healing God gave my soul. It was like forgiveness miraculously manifested itself as a result of the inner wholeness I felt within me. The pain was gone. A layer of emptiness, loss, suffering and incompleteness was healed.

And that is why I say I am incapable to forgive. It is God that has the power to forgive, not me, because God is the only one who can give me the wholeness needed for forgiveness to take place.

Forgiveness is a process. Yes, through prayer God does make us whole but God does it ever so gently in the time and space that is perfect for us. Thus, wholeness and healing takes time as we journey through life. It may takes years for us to completely forgive someone or something. But, it is through God's love that this occurs.

With that said, I add the following: It is not I who forgives. It is God in me who forgives.

Thank you, _______, for helping me to discover this mystery. God has helped me to forgive you.

And Jesus said to them, "Very truly, I tell you, the Son can do nothing on his own, but only what he sees the Father doing; for whatsoever the Father does, the Son does likewise." John 5:19

When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, "Take heart, son; your sins are forgiven." Then some of the scribes said to themselves, "This man is blaspheming." But Jesus, perceiving their thoughts, said, "Why do you think evil in your hearts? For which is easier to say, 'Your sins are forgiven,' or 'Stand up and walk'? Matthew 9: 2-4

The Call to Individuation

2008-12-04T11:23:00.000-07:00

A Sermon for Epiphany

Rev. Kathryn Rayner
given January 5, 2008
Unity Church of Bozeman

A couple of week ago, I attended your Sunday service and was given a chance to introduce myself. For those who weren’t there, let me briefly do so now. My name is Rev. Kathryn Rayner and I am an ordained Interfaith Minister. As an Interfaith Minister, I minister to all people regardless of race, color, creed, gender and sexual orientation. I guess you could call me an equal opportunity minister. My main focus for my ministry is community needs. I volunteer at The Network against Sexual and Domestic Abuse to answer the hotline and to minister to the ladies residing at the Shelter. I am also an executive member of the Gallatin Valley Interfaith Association whose mission is to bring together people of all faith traditions in order to nurture a more healthy community. Your minister, Rev. Philip Zimke, and I have had a chance to get to know each other through this Association. I would like to take the opportunity to thank him for allowing me to speak here today.

During the service that I attended, Philip read aloud the reading for that day from the Daily Word. The message it contained came as a sweet reminder of what he had asked me to talk about today – the meaning of Epiphany.

The twelfth day after Christmas is a very special day for Western Christianity. It is recognized as the Feast of Epiphany. This feast celebrates the second manifestation of Jesus as Christ and the journey of the Magi or wise men to the infant Jesus. The first manifestation of Jesus is celebrated during the Feast of the Nativity on Christmas Day.

I would like to talk today about the symbolic significance of the story of the Magi and how it relates to our lives. As Philip stated a couple of weeks ago, it is the metaphor within the biblical stories that hold the significance in our own lives today. Joseph Campbell and Carl Jung couldn’t agree more. To them the Bible is filled with mythical stories and archetypical dreams that resonant with all human beings as they journey through life.

Let me begin by reading the Epiphany story from the Gospel of Matthew and when I do so, I ask you to please close your eyes and imagine yourself experiencing it as an archetypical dream.

From Matthew Chapter 2: 1-12 (taken from The New Jerusalem translation)

“After Jesus had been born at Bethlehem in Judaea, during the reign of King Herod, some wise men came to Jerusalem from the east. “Where is the infant king of the Jews?” they asked. “We saw his star as it rose and have come to do him homage.” When King Herod heard this he was perturbed, and so was the whole of Jerusalem. He called together all the chief priests and the scribes of the people, and inquired of them where the Christ was to be born. “At Bethlehem in Judaea,” they told him, “for this is what the prophet wrote:

And you, Bethlehem, in the land of Judah,
You are by no means least among the leaders of Judah,
For out of you will come a leader
Who will shepherd my people Israel.

“Then Herod summoned the wise men to see him privately. He asked them the exact date on which the star had appeared, and sent them on to Bethlehem. “Go and find out all about the child,” he said, “and when you have found him, let me know, so that I may go and do him homage.” Having listened to what the king had to say, they set out. And there in front of them was the star they had seen rising; it went forward and halted over the place where the child was. The sight of the star filled them with delight, and going into the house they saw the child with his mother Mary, and falling on their knees they did him homage. Then, opening the treasures, they offered him gifts of gold and frankincense and myrrh. But they were warned in a dream not to go back to Herod, and returned to their own country by a different way.”

There are quite a few archetypical images in this dream. Some appear as people. For example: the wise men, King Herod, the chief priests and the scribes, the divine child, and his mother and absent father; and others as symbols. Such as the star of Bethlehem, the darkness, a house, the gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh, the dream, and finally, the different way. So, let’s go through these archetypical images as they appear in the dream so that we can catch a glimpse as to what they may mean.

According to Carl Jung, the star of Bethlehem and the birth of the divine child are both archetypical symbols of the Self (capital ‘S’)[1]. Carl Jung defined the Self as “the totality of the whole psyche.” He states that “the Self is different than the ‘ego’ because the ego constitutes only a small portion of the whole psyche.” [2]

M.L. von Franz, a Jungian psychologist, states that the “The Self can be defined as an inner guiding factor that is different from the conscious personality… [It is] the regulating center that brings about a constant extension and maturing of the personality. [T]his larger, more nearly total aspect of the psyche appears first as merely an inborn possibility. It may emerge very slightly, or it may develop relatively completely during one’s lifetime. How far it develops depends on whether or not the ego is willing to listen to the message of the Self.” [3]

Karen Mattern, in her thesis, Canticle of Creatures, adds a little bit more. She writes, “The Self although unconscious, is the potential from which the actual objective psyche grows and from which the later individuation process takes its cues. Therefore, the Self plays a role in two processes: first, in the initial movement of ego-formation, and second, in the process of individuation. The movement of growth in the psyche is first away from Self, and then toward it. In the first process, both the ego and the personal unconscious are developed.”[4]

I have added Mattern’s comments about the two roles of the Self here, because I believe that the dream of the wise men begins at the first process of psyche growth and then transits to the second process, “individuation.”

During the first stage of psyche growth, divisions are setup within the individual’s psyche. The ego takes on the positive, acceptable qualities of the personality and the outer collective (what’s acceptable in society). And the “shadow” within the unconscious, takes on the suppressed negative, and unacceptable parts.

You can recognize someone who is living in the first stage of development when you notice that

they appear to depend on external values and sources for their self worth, or
they may have a fundamentalist black-and-white approach to themselves and others, or
they have a tendency to project or scrutinize others for faults that they are unwilling to admit they have, and
for the most part they’re not the least bit interested in delving within themselves to find solutions to their problems.

For them, everything is "out there". God is "out there". The Devil is "out there." Outer conditions and things that are regarded as unfavorable are the enemy.

The dream mentions that the birth occurred at the time of the reign of King Herod. This, I believe, symbolizes the “reign” of the first stage of psyche growth. The wise men are dependent on outer signs; and King Herod goes to his advisors for counsel. The scribes depend on text for their answers. The symbol of the Self, the star of Bethlehem, is an outer sign and is seen within a split of light and dark – the star shown in the darkness. Things are “outer” and are “split.”

Delving deeper into the symbolic nature of this dream, the magi also represent the good, acceptable, wise, conscious aspects of the psyche. Some would even say that they represent an aspect of the Self. They are probably both. Whatever they represent, they are definitely aspects of the psyche that are calling the individual to move toward individuation.

Herod, on the other hand, can be seen as an archetype for the ego as defined within the first phase of development. He can also symbolize the shadow. A Jungian psychologist and writer, Joseph L. Henderson reminds us, “[t]he shadow cast by the unconscious mind of the individual contains the hidden, repressed, and unfavorable (or nefarious) aspects of the personality… [However, ] the shadow [also] has good qualities – normal instinct and creative impulses.”[5]

Herod was a man who had some good qualities and also was known for his abuses. The death sentence he imposed on the male infants due to Christ’s birth is reflective of the abuse of power and the out-of-control state that is indicative of the dark side of the shadow when it is out of control. It is also indicative of how the ego responds when the thought of change comes about. A first stage personality is usually arrogant and proud, likes to have answers to everything, likes to be in control, and doesn’t like his kingdom to be in a state of flux. Sound like Herod?

Edward Edinger, author of The New God-Image, wrote “Darkness is most likely to get a ‘hold’ when you think you are safely settled in the good and righteous position, when nothing can assail you. When you are absolutely right is the most dangerous place to be in because, most probably, the devil will get you by the throat.”[6]

The first phase of psychic development is something that all of us go through. It is in this stage where we develop our sense of autonomy and self, and “where the Good is the goal for individuation.”[7] Many people do not go past this phase of development. It takes a person with a psyche containing a tenacious group of wise men and an ego’s willingness for the second phase to begin to develop. And this phase, once it is begun, is an ongoing, lifetime process. It does not happen over night.

Henderson wrote, “For most people the dark or negative side of the personality remains unconscious. The hero [which is the individual who chooses to step into the individuation process], on the contrary, must realize that the shadow exists and that he can draw strength from it. He must come to terms with its destructive powers if he is to become sufficiently terrible to overcome the dragon – i.e. before the ego can triumph, it must master and assimilate the shadow.”[8]

This then takes us to the scene where the wise men, after leaving Herod, notice that the star is stationed in the sky beaming its rays down on a house. Note that the only way the wise men are going to see the new-born child, is by entering that house. This is symbolic of the beginning of the introspective process where the conscious part of the psyche and the ego choose to delve within the unconscious to begin the individuation process.

According to Jung, “individuation means becoming a single, homogeneous being, and, in so far as ‘individuality’ embraces our innermost, last, and incomparable uniqueness, it is also implies becoming one’s own Self. We could therefore translate individuation as ‘coming to selfhood’ or ‘self-realization.’”[9]

This process is when the psyche begins to bring together all parts of itself that had originally been split apart. “It is the step-by-step development of the self from an unconscious state to a conscious state.”[10] It usually comes about when, according to Carl Jung, “we begin to become aware of our selfish aims; [and] we examine our motives and try to form as complete and objective a picture as possible of our own nature. It is an act of self-recollection, a gathering together of what is scattered, of all the things in us that we have never been properly related, and a coming to terms with oneself with a view to achieving consciousness.”[11]

As crucial as individuation is, Jung believed that few people ever attain it. Others agree. Scott Peck, the author of The Different Drum, says:

“Many of us never totally complete the process and may never get very far at all. Most, to a greater or lesser degree, fail to individuate—to separate—ourselves from family, tribe, or caste. Even into old age we remain figuratively tied to the apron strings of our parents and culture. We are still dictated to by the values and expectations of our mothers and fathers. We still follow the direction of the prevailing wind and bow before the shibboleths of our society. We go with the crowd. From laziness and fear—fear of loneliness, fear of responsibility, and other nameless dreads—we never truly learn to think for ourselves or dare to be out of step with the stereotypes. But in the light of all we understand, this failure to individuate is a failure to grow up and become fully human. For we are called to be individuals. We are called to be unique and different.”[12]

Carl Jung continues. “Self-recollection, however, is about the hardest and most repellant thing there is for man, who is predominantly unconscious. Human nature has an invincible dread of becoming more conscious of itself.”[13] Again, let’s take for example, Herod. He’s willing to kill innocent children to maintain his domain.

Returning back to the scene, the wise men walk in the house and discover Mary and the new-born babe and they are filled with overwhelming happiness and joy. They give him homage and gifts. This scene, in and of itself, is extremely powerful and telling!

Let’s start with Mary and the absent father – yes, the absent father. Mary is symbolic of the self-reflecting, all-wise aspect of the psyche that is consciously aware.[14] She is also recognized in Catholicism as the representative of the feminine aspect of God. It is her nature that woes the unconscious to consciousness for self-reflection, healing and wholeness. The absent father is symbolic of the unconscious that cannot be seen because it is not known consciously. So I guess you could say the father is there but not visible. The new born babe is the symbol of the totality of the psyche, which is the end result of the individuation process – bringing to consciousness the unconscious discarded parts of the psyche and thus the union of all aspects of Self.

Remember, that Western Christianity recognizes Epiphany as the second manifestation of the Christ child. This, in its own right, is symbolic of the second phase of psyche growth.

And the gifts, what do they symbolize? Well, according to Christian Gnosticism, “the gift of gold symbolizes the kingship of Christ, which represents our own true royal Selfhood and our giving of love and service as directed and commanded by that Self. The gift of frankincense symbolizes the Godhead of Christ and our own gifts of honor and reverence to our indwelling Divinity. The gift of myrrh is a prophecy of the death and burial of the earthly body of Christ, which represents our understanding and empathy for the suffering of humanity.”[15]

From what I learned about Jungian psychology, I would say that the gift of gold symbolizes once again the individuation process where the psyche goes through transformation from an unconscious state to a conscious state of wholeness. Frankincense is the symbol of the willingness to go within for introspection and the receiving of wisdom. Jung writes, “Like the Holy Ghost, Wisdom is given as a gift to the elect…”[16] Myrrh, symbolizes two things: the sacrifice the Self and the ego take to go through this transformative process, and the achievement of a new psychological status one receives[17] by going through it – the death of the old personality to the new. Jung states, “What nevertheless drives us to [individuation] is the Self, which demands sacrifice by sacrificing itself to us. Conscious realization or the bringing together of the scattered parts is in one sense an act of the ego’s will, but in another sense it is a spontaneous manifestation of the Self, which was already there.”[18]

We finally reach the last part of the story where the wise men are warned in a dream not to go back to Herod, and thus return to their own country by a different way. This is symbolic of what happens during the individuation process. The psyche is in conversation through dreams with that part of the Self that is self-reflecting and full of wisdom, and thus begins to understand that the split in the psyche is no longer favorable. The unconscious part of psyche is made conscious and thus a change in consciousness – an epiphany – occurs. The person, the personality, is transformed. It doesn’t want to go back to Herod.

This process of transformation is the most important lesson we can take from the story of the wise men. It’s almost as if this archetypical dream is challenging us to take the leap toward individuation. It brings to our awareness the steps we need to take on this journey – the necessity of getting past our fundamentalist approach to life and taking the courage to step forward to find our own inner voice so that we can transform, heal and bring to consciousness the discarded parts of ourselves. In doing this we will recover our dignity as human beings and restore our lives to psychospiritual wholeness.

So, as we celebrate the Feast of Epiphany today, may we take a moment to ponder what we can do to accept the challenge that the wise men extend to us. As a wise man once said, “Personal growth is a journey taken one step at a time.”[19]

I leave you with words from Carl Jung. “We have become participants of the divine life and we have to assume a new possibility, viz. the continuation of the divine self-realization, which expresses itself in the task of our individuation. Individuation does not only mean that man has become truly human as distinct from animal, but that he is to become partially divine as well. This means that he practically becomes adult, responsible for his existence…”[20]

May it be so, and so it is. Amen.

[1] Karen Mattern, Canticle of Creatures, Psyche and Symbol: Healing and Meaning, http://knitandcontemplation.typepad.com/canticle_of_creatures/jungbasics/index.html
[2] C.J. Jung, Man and His Symbols, pg. 161
[3] C.J. Jung, Man and His Symbols, pg. 162
[4] Karen Mattern, Canticle of Creatures, Psyche and Symbol: Healing and Meaning, http://knitandcontemplation.typepad.com/canticle_of_creatures/jungbasics/index.html
[5] C.J. Jung, Man and His Symbols, pg. 118
[6] Edward F. Edinger, The New God-Image, pg. 56
[7] Jung’s letter to Eline Kotsching, June 30, 1956 published in The New God-Image, pp. 164-7
[8] C.J. Jung, Man and His Symbols, pp. 120-21
[9] C.G. Jung, The Collected Works of C.G. Jung, Vol. 7, Two Essays of Analytical Psychology, 13
[10] C.G. Jung, The Collected Works of C.G. Jung, Vol. 9 Part II, Aion: Researches into the Phenomenology of the Self, pg. 264
[11] C.G. Jung, The Collected Works of C.G. Jung, Vol.11, Psychology of Religion: East and West, pg.263
[12] M. Scott Peck, The Different Drum, pg. 54
[13] ibid
[14] C.G. Jung, The Collected Works of C.G. Jung, Vol.11, Psychology of Religion: East and West, pg.398
[15] Rev. Steven Marshall , Meditations. Divine Guidance: A Homily for Epiphany by Rev. Steven Marshall. http://www.gnosis.org/ecclesia/homily_Epiphany.htm
[16] C.G. Jung, The Collected Works of C.G. Jung, Vol.11, Psychology of Religion: East and West, pg. 389
[17] Jung’s letter to Father Victor White, April 10, 1954 published in The New God-Image, pp. 153-7
[18] C.G. Jung, The Collected Works of C.G. Jung, Vol.11, Psychology of Religion: East and West, pg.263
[19] A quote from a plaque I have on my wall. Author: anonymous
[20] Jung’s letter to Eline Kotsching, June 30, 1956 published in The New God-Image, pp. 164-7

Finding Your Own Voice after Spiritual Abuse

2008-12-04T10:37:00.000-07:00

By Rev. Kathryn Rayner
January 27, 2008
given at Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Bozeman

The song you just heard, Listen, was taken from the box office movie, Dream Girls. The lyrics express a wife’s desperate cry for her husband to see her as she really was. When I heard this song, it resonated with me in a similar and yet, different way. I heard it as a cry from someone who was beginning to recognize and hear her own inner voice and was saying to one who should have known better, listen to me, I am not your creation, I am not your appendage; I am someone. I am not you, I am me. This song contains the message that many who have gone through spiritual abuse cry out to their spiritual leaders when they become disillusioned and begin to realize that something is very, very wrong.

Today I am going to talk about spiritual abuse and the processes one takes to heal from such abuse. Some call this abuse, “religious” abuse. I prefer to use the word “spiritual” because it is the “spirit” of the person that is battered. Yes, a religion’s doctrine and dogma is misused to instigate this abuse, but it is the “spirit” in the person that is afflicted, wounded and maimed.

I am talking about this today because it is a subject that is personal to me. While affiliated with a religious community for over 20 years I had experienced such affliction. It has been just recently, in the past few years, when my inner voice started speaking to me, when my religious foundation began to crumble around and underneath me, and when I chose to walk out and begin anew. Thus, the words I speak today, even though they may be filled with quotes and comments from professional therapists and authors, are an explanation of a spiritual odyssey I have lived.

I am speaking to you today knowing that in doing so I may lose friendships that I have shared as being part of that group. I risk being labeled as an evil person and I may possibly cause upheaval among those in my family who are still members when they become aware of this message. But as my brother-in-law just reminded me, sometimes we have to choose between keeping the secrets of someone or something who has treated us ill, or exposing their unhealthy behavior in order to help heal those affected by their ill treatment and to give them a chance to face up to what they are doing and have done that was wrong, unethical and unhealthy.

In his book, Religious Abuse, Keith Wright explains that this type of “…abuse occurs when a religious group or parent or leader crushes the spirit of an individual by substituting dogma or a particular belief system for a continuing growing awareness of the divine presence. It occurs when religious teaching or preaching justifies violence or the domination of one person or persons. It occurs when religious teaching or preaching heaps unmanageable burdens upon people rather than offering to share their heavy load. It occurs when religion engenders fear and self-loathing RATHER THAN liberating people from fear and bondage, [and] enabling them to effectively love and serve themselves, others, and the God who created them. It occurs when a religious group or leader claims to have the final revelation of God and calls upon people to reject the religious experience of those who believe differently from what the group or leader teaches.” [i]

What types of people, churches and/or spiritual organizations are vulnerable in imposing such abuses? They are those in which authoritarianism, totalitarianism, legalism and fanaticism abound.

According to Ronald M. Enroth, author of Churches that Abuse, abusive churches misuse spiritual authority; they use fear, guilt and threats; they see them selves as special; foster rigidity; discourage questions; and make leaving painful.[ii]

In order for you to get an understanding of the dynamics within these type of toxic environments, I am going to read to you the list that Janja Lalich, co-author with Madeleine Tobias of Take Back your Life, and Michael Langone compiled on the characteristics associated with these types of shame-based systems. A toxic system (whether a group or an individual) will exhibit quite a few of these characteristics. I realize that this list I am about to share is long but I want to read it in its entirety so that you can understand the complexity and the abusive subtlety of such systems.

The group displays excessively zealous and unquestioning commitment to its leaders, and (whether he is alive or dead) regards his belief system, ideology, and practices as Truth, as law.
Questioning, doubt, and dissent are discouraged or even punished.
Mind-altering practices (such as meditation, chanting, speaking in tongues, denunciation sessions, or debilitating work routines) are used in excess and serve to suppress doubts about the group and its leader(s). [The key phrases here are “in excess” and “to suppress”.]
The leadership dictates, sometimes in great detail, how members should think, act, and feel (e.g. members get permission to date, change jobs, or marry – or leaders prescribe what to wear, where to live, whether to have children, how to discipline children, and so forth).
The group is elitist, claiming a special, exalted status for itself, its leader(s), and its members (e.g. the leader is considered the Messiah, a special being, an avatar – or the group and/or leader [are the chosen ones and are] on a special mission to save humanity).
The group has a polarized, us-verses-them mentality, which may cause conflict with the wider society.
The leader is not accountable to any authorities (unlike, for example, teachers, military commanders, or ministers, priests, monks, and rabbis of mainstream religious denominations).
The group teaches or implies that its supposedly exalted ends justify whatever means it deems necessary. This may result in members participating in behaviors or activities they would have considered reprehensible or unethical before joining the group (e.g. lying to family or friends, or collecting money for bogus charities.)
The leadership induces feelings of shame and/or guilt in order to influence and control members. Often this is done through peer pressure and subtle forms of persuasion.
Subservience to the leader or group requires members to cut ties with family and friends, and radically alter the personal goals and activities they had before joining the group.
The group is preoccupied with bringing in new members.
The group is preoccupied with making money.
Members are expected to devote inordinate amounts of time to the group and group-related activities. [Some require 110%.]
Members are encouraged or required to live and/or socialize only with other group members.
The most loyal members (the “true believers”) feel there can be no life outside the context of the group. They believe there is no other way to be, and often fear reprisals to themselves or others if they leave—or even consider leaving—the group.[iii]

In addition to what I have just read, I would like to add Jeff VonVanderen’s list of seven different characteristics that abusive Christian churches contain. He is the co-author, along with David Johnson, of The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, and author of Tired of Trying to Measure Up. These characteristics are also relevant to non-Christian toxic churches.

Power-posturing. Those in leadership positions spend a lot of time and energy reminding others of their authority. Authority is used to boss and control members.

Performance [and appearance] preoccupation. How people act [or look] is more important than what's really going on in their lives. People aren't what is loved and accepted. Behavior [and appearance] is the most important thing.
Unspoken rules. How relationships function is governed by rules that aren't said out loud, but in many cases these unspoken rules have more weight than the out-loud rules or even Scripture. The most powerful and damaging of all the unspoken rules is the “can’t talk” rule. [I would like to add the “don’t trust” and “don’t feel” rules as well.] The “can’t talk” rule keeps the truth quiet because the problem itself isn’t treated as the problem; talking about it is treated as the problem. People who notice problems and confront them are labeled divisive and disloyal. People shut up and call it unity.
Lack of balance. There are disproportionate focuses and values placed on certain areas of the Christian life. For instance, you must agree that certain gifts of the Spirit aren't for today or you're labeled “unstable” or “deceived.” In other churches, if you lack certain spiritual gifts or don't exercise the gifts in ways accepted by the group, you are considered a second-class Christian.
Spiritual paranoia. There is a sense that people, resources, and relationships outside the system are unsafe. [For me this paranoia was real and intense. It wasn’t some small phobia. I had been afraid to venture outside my religious community because of hate crimes directed at it, negative publicity in the media toward it and black listing from the pulpit.]
Misplaced loyalty. A sense of loyalty is built toward programs, things, and people, rather than toward Jesus, [toward the Divine].
Secretiveness. Certain information is deemed suitable only for those within the church or only for certain people within the church. [iv]

To show how similar the behavior in these groups is to what one might expect in a domestic violence scenario, I have created a Power and Control wheel containing some of the characteristics and examples I have just cited. You should have received this handout with your program when you arrived today.

I would like you to compare this wheel to the Power and Control wheel used by domestic abuse prevention groups. This wheel is also apart of the handout. There really isn’t much difference between these two wheels except that God, doctrine, dogma and sacred texts are misused in spiritual abuse to justify, rationalize and explain the behavior.

What is so harmful about this type of abuse is that the god-image one creates as a result of such mistreatment and indoctrination becomes the abuser instead of the counselor, guide, friend, lover, healer and comforter it was suppose to be. This type of abuse breaks the trust one should have in those who call themselves clergy and religious leaders. It can also destroy one’s trust, faith, and belief in the indwelling Divine Presence.

If some of the words and concepts I have just spoken resonate with you, there may be a chance that you have experienced a form of spiritual abuse and weren’t aware of it. Chances are that no one told you that what you were experiencing wasn’t normal or healthy. They may have even told you that this form of treatment was justified as part of the religious experience and that is was designed to help rid yourself of your ego or carnal self in order to find God. I am here to tell you that this is a lie. Its purpose, whether conscious or unconscious, was to keep you in line under the power and control of psychologically wounded religious leaders.

Healthy spiritual communities don’t treat their followers in this way, and believe it or not, healthy religious and spiritual communities do exist. I am also going to tell you that you are not alone. Many, many people have experienced what you have AND they didn’t come from the same church, synagogue, temple, or mosque.

Now that I have given you an explanation of what spiritual abuse is I would like to focus on what one can do to begin the healing process.

Label and identify the abuse for what it is. Putting a name on what was happening to you gives you power to overcome it. Hopefully what I have shared with you thus far will begin this process.

I began this process by watching videos and reading many, many articles and books on the subject. Through this investigative process I learned that it wasn’t due to me being stupid, weird, weak-willed or a psychological neurotic defect that made me prone to such a group. Matter of fact, most people in such groups are above average in intelligence, well-adjusted, adaptable, and perhaps a bit idealistic.[v] What made me susceptible was my desire to belong, my gullibility and innocence (I was 15 years old when I joined); my lack of self-confidence, my desire for spiritual meaning and purpose, my disillusionment with the Catholic Church, and my naivety of how groups can manipulate others. Put it another way, I had been susceptible just because I was human. This process helped me get past the shame and guilt I’d carried inside for so long and the fear instilled in me by those inside AND outside the group.
Find a therapist and a trusting, and supportive friend where you can share what you have gone through without being judged. The therapist one chooses should be well-versed in what spiritual abuse is and how it affects people physically, sexually, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. This person should not be someone who is disgruntled with the religious experience but one who has found a healthy way of living religiously and/or spiritually. The other relationship should be someone who is familiar with this type of abuse, and is willing to listen and not judge. The best person for this type of relationship is someone who has gone through something similar (not necessarily from the same group) and has already undergone many years of healing. They can become a big brother or a big sister.

I still have both in my life. I cannot tell you how important it has been for me to have these relationships especially when I began to wonder if what I was feeling was insane. I also needed to have a supportive heart when the traumatized parts of my self came up for healing, when I grieved and mourned losses – loss of time, loss of youth, loss of innocence, loss of the meaning of life, loss of my spirituality and belief system that I had become accustomed to, and the loss of family. When I struggled with the feelings of failure, intense anger, guilt and shame, they were there. I had to learn how to forgive and accept all parts of myself. During this time I needed to have people in my life who were able to validate my feelings and who gently guided me toward growth, healing and renewal.

Re-discovering parts of one’s disowned and discarded self can be painful because it requires getting beyond denial, and owning up to one’s past. It also causes one to re-examine what is and is not God, what is and is not spirituality, what is and is not healthy. While going through this process it is imperative to have someone there to hold your hand.
Meet with other former members, both new and old to share your experiences and compare notes. These “ex-members”/survivors don’t necessarily have to come from the group you belonged to. They can come from other dysfunctional systems. I have gone through and continue to go through this process by talking with other survivors, and by sharing and reading books containing survivor stories. I found my own voice by listening, reading and sharing. It was really important for me to know that what I remembered and experienced as abuse wasn’t a figment of my imagination, and that others who had gone through similar things that I had, felt and experienced the same feelings. In essence, I wasn’t alone.
Begin building a new social structure – find new relationships where one can have fun, learn and enjoy life. This means taking chances. It take’s a lot of courage for one to do this because one will be creating relationships with people who in the past were regarded as evil or fallen and thus were forbidden to be associated with. Take a class, join a women’s or men’s group, volunteer. Whatever you do, do not to alienate or abandon yourself.

When I began to take this leap I found that being around others and honestly allowing myself to engage in a relationship with them, assisted me in breaking down false beliefs and fears. It helped me dispose of my fear and anxiety toward the world. It also gave me strength and courage to leave the group because I discovered I wasn’t going to commit spiritual suicide by leaving and I wasn’t going to be alone if I did.

Recognize that this step is crucial because part of the reason that people do not leave abusive spiritual relationships [or any type of abusive relationship, for that matter] is that they fear alienation, abandonment, internal damnation and aloneness if they do. It may take them awhile to take this step because they feel awkward in social experiences. They may have relatively no social skills because they were not able to form and develop them in their isolated past.
Establish balance in your life. Find time to work, to play, to commune and to rest. Take care of your health – physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Get exercise; spend quality time with your family and friends, read a good book, watch a great movie, commune with nature, and the indwelling spirit found in your heart. Learn how to establish boundaries, to be able to say no and to not feel guilty for saying no. Regain the courage to speak up and voice your opinion and concerns.
Build back family ties and other friendships that were lost due to one’s association with the group. I just recently began this process by my recent visit to San Jose where I spent time with my grandmother, my aunts and cousins. These are relatives that I hadn’t seen for over 25 years due to complications resulting from my previous religious affiliation.
Begin to take responsibility for one’s choices and beliefs. That is, make choices that are yours and not dictated to you by someone else. Get past black and white thinking – realizing that life’s choices are not made using cookie-cutter recipes. That means making the tough choices – the ones that take a great amount of thought and may be painful to make. It means questioning what is presented to you in the form of an absolute truth before immediately accepting it as your truth and knowing that it is okay if you don’t accept it as your truth. Remember that the ability to question is far more important than having all the answers. Taking responsibility also means moving beyond bias, prejudices and past hatreds. Make a commitment to yourself that you will stop placing people and things in absolute good and bad, all-or-nothing categories.
Reclaim parts of yourself that were disowned and accept yourself fully and completely. It is important to ask, what are my strengths and areas of growth? What talents, gifts and tastes do I have? What are my likes and dislikes? If one prefers to wear short hair and one’s former church only allowed the wearing of long hair, go out and get a short, stylish haircut. If one likes going to movies and movies were forbidden, go see a movie. If one likes the color red and red wasn’t allowed to be worn, wear red. Now I am not implying if you want to kill someone go and kill him. What I am saying is it is important to create an environment that reflects oneself and not someone else. And if you don’t know who “you” are, begin the journey of finding out. Take chances and know that it is okay to make mistakes and to change one’s mind.

When I spent time decorating my apartment last year, I cannot tell you how many times I returned items that I originally bought thinking I would like and then later discovered I didn’t. I had to experiment over and over and over again until I found something that felt like me.
Accept and see others for who they really are. This means recognizing and accepting the qualities in others as well as in your self. It is the ability to admit to the flaws and abusive behaviors within spirituals leaders instead of justifying and explaining them away. This can become difficult to do when one has been taught that the leader was a spokesman of God.
Redefine your spiritual life to exemplify a healthier and fuller state. That may mean redefining who and what God is. If a spiritual director is needed to help you through this process, find one. For me, it meant allowing the foundational god-image I had built for twenty some years to collapse so that I could rebuild that image into something new. It was probably one of the worst nightmares I had ever gone through but it became the best thing I had ever done. I am a lot happier and am at peace because of it. It was my interaction with other interfaith ministers that gave me spiritual direction and support.

Redefining one’s spiritual life also means finding a healthy community where one can continue the spiritual journey. Human beings are social creatures. We all need a community to be a part of as we journey through our lives.

The need for community leads me to my concluding remarks to you in this fellowship. For those of you who have been blessed by not experiencing such a traumatic experience, I ask you to open your hearts to those who have. Be receptive and listen with an open mind and without judgment. Don’t perpetuate unkind stereo-types upon them. Give them a place that is not built around shame, fear, ridicule and mockery – the environment they have been so accustomed to in the past. But instead, give them a space, a haven, where they feel safe to share their opinions and viewpoints, to share their past sorrows and losses, to share their joys and successes, and to redefine what God and their spiritual life means to them. Be a place of love, safety and acceptance so they can find and hear their own inner voice and thereby become their own person.

And finally, to those who have felt the pain of spiritual abuse, I leave you with the wisdom of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, author of Life Lessons, “Our concern must be to live while we’re alive…to release our inner selves from the spiritual death that comes with living behind a façade designed to conform to external definitions of who and what we are.”

From the depth of my soul, I thank you for allowing me this forum, this place, where I felt safe enough to share these thoughts.

[i] Keith Wright, Religious Abuse, pg 36
[ii] Ronald M. Enroth, Churches that Abuse, pg. 31
[iii] Janja Lalich and Madeleine Tobias, Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships, Appendix A, p. 327-328
[iv] Jeff Van Vonderen, “When You Are Ready to Try Again: Going Back to Church,” http://www.spiritualabuse.com/dox/backtochurch.htm
[v] Janja Lalich and Madeleine Tobias, Take Back Your Life: Recovering from Cults and Abusive Relationships, pg. 22

The Acceptance of Self

2008-12-04T10:23:00.002-07:00

Rev. Kathryn Rayner
given October 8, 2006
Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Bozeman

Thank you, Rev. Lois and Kathy for inviting me here today. And thank you – all of you – for allowing me to come and share my thoughts on ultimacy and intimacy.

For those who do not know me, and that may be most of you here, I am Rev. Kathryn Rayner. I was recently ordained as an Interfaith Minister through The New Seminary, located in New York City. The New Seminary is the oldest interfaith seminary in the country and it is currently celebrating its 25th anniversary.

Rev. Lois has asked me to take a few moments to explain what an Interfaith Minister is. I have to admit that when I was first asked this question, I laughed. You see, Interfaith Ministers are so diverse that I doubt that any one of us could give you the exact same answer. However, there are some things we do agree upon – at least among those who have been ordained through The New Seminary. I would like to share those principles with you.

An Interfaith Minister is someone who seeks to promote understanding, harmony and love among people by emphasizing what is universal in the teachings of the many spiritual paths and faith traditions. This perspective reaches beyond tolerance or even co-existence.

She has chosen to learn about, respect and appreciate the diversity of paths to Oneness, and to look for the universal truth contained in each one. An Interfaith Minister does not seek to homogenize religious differences. Rather, she honors the sacredness and uniqueness of each faith.

An Interfaith Minister recognizes that all authentic spiritual traditions, at their core, are committed to the common values of peace, tolerance, compassionate service, and love for all creation AND that beneath the diversity of theological beliefs, rites, and observances there lies a deeper unity of experience.
An Interfaith Minister is someone who is dedicated to serving, without discrimination, the spiritual needs of all those who seek his guidance, counsel, and assistance.
An Interfaith Minister is someone who is dedicated to deepening her own spiritual development and practice, and her connection to the Divine, so that her service to others is always grounded in the integrity of her own spiritual life.

In order to become an Interfaith Minister, I had to undergo two years of seminary training where I studied with over 70 seminarians from many religious and spiritual backgrounds. My classmates spanned the full gamut of religious and spiritual practice. Some were practicing Wiccans, Shamans, Native Indigenous peoples, Unitarians, Taoist, Muslims, Jews, Christians, New Agers, Reiki Masters, Buddhist, Hindus, Course in Miracles students and self-defined spiritual practitioners. Believe me, the list doesn’t end there, but for today, it will.

Not only was my class pluralistic in our religious affiliations, we were diverse by race, socioeconomic status, sexual orientation, ethnic background, political leanings, gender AND age.

After learning from, dialoguing with and experiencing the faiths of my fellow classmates, my whole perspective about myself and the world changed. For the most part – and I say this as a CYA just in case you catch me on something in the future – For the most part, I am now unable to place people into different categories of ‘good and evil’, ‘us and them’, or even the ‘chosen and the damned’. I realized, during this two year experience that these labels, for the most part, were the result of things I had been taught by others, my own fears, biases, prejudices, false beliefs, ignorance and pre-conceived judgments.

Thus, when I look at you today in this room, I don’t see Unitarian Universalists but creations of and co-creators with God.

So “what is of ultimate value, worth or importance to me”? Some of you may think I might say “Love Thy Neighbor as Thyself”, “the Golden Rule” or “working for the common good”, or bringing peace on earth, ” or even “forgiveness.” Well, all of these are important but I don’t believe they are the most important, and that is what you asked me to talk about today. I believe that the most important is the Acceptance of Self – self as a sacred being. I define the “sacred self” as both a spiritual being and a human being and that may surprise a lot of you. For me, both of these parts of self are sacred, indeed.

Let me explain why I have drawn this conclusion.

In terms of the Golden Rule, “do unto others as you would have them do unto you”, if I allow others to treat me abusively… does that give me license to treat others abusively? How can I work for the common good if I haven’t defined what good is for me? Or better yet, what happens if what I believe to be good actually is not healthy? How can I help bring peace on earth if I haven’t established peace within myself? And finally, if I cannot love myself, accept myself – even my failings – how can I truly love and forgive others? It’s kind of hard.

Self-Acceptance means loving oneself, knowing oneself, and accepting oneself. It means recognizing all components of self fully and completely, including the warts, the pimples, and the middle-age spread, without shame or disgrace. It means recognizing, as Abraham Maslow put it, that I have physiological needs, safety and security needs, love and belonging needs, status and self-esteem needs, and yes, spiritual and “self-actualized” needs. It is recognizing that all of these needs have to be fully embraced by me for me to become an integrated complete person.

It is recognizing that if I do not have the foundation of self-acceptance, these ideas, these ethics, these principles just don’t make sense.

I would like to dig a little bit deeper by saying if I do not accept my self, both as a spiritual being and a human being (as a complete package), my spirituality as I am practicing it today actually could be hindering my growth instead of nurturing it.

Let me rephrase this because I really want you to hear this.

If I do not accept my self as a whole integrated being, chances are that my “spiritual practice” is more than likely impeding my growth instead of helping it to flourish and prosper.

The acceptance of self is the missing link for many spiritual seekers today. You’ll hear them say, “Why is my faith failing me?” Many times the answer turns out to be, “because I forgot to build my spiritual life on the foundation of self acceptance!” A house built without a firm foundation will not withstand the storm.

Let me explain this further by taking an example that John Welwood described in his article called, “Embodying Your Realization: Psychological Work in the Service of Spiritual Development.” For those of you who would like to read this article in its entirety, it is available in electronic format at his website: johnwelwood.com.

"Say a woman came to me for advice about her marriage, and as a minister, I advised her not to be angry with her husband, but instead to be a compassionate friend. You might think that this was perfectly sound spiritual advice. Compassion IS a higher truth than anger. We are taught this in Buddhism, Christianity, Judaism – practically from all world religions. We understand that from the point of pure open awareness we discover compassion as the very core of inner nature. From this perspective, could we say that feeling angry about being hurt separates us from our true nature?

"The answer to that question is: it all depends on where the person is coming from – where their frame of reference is.

"Let’s wind the tape back a little bit on this scene that I have just described. What I didn’t tell you is that when I gave this advice, I did not take into consideration the emotional and psychological state of this woman: that she was someone who had swallowed her anger all her life. In her childhood, her father had been abusive and would slap her and send her to her room whenever she showed any anger about the way he treated her. So, she learned to suppress her anger, and always tried to please others and “be a good girl”.

"Because I had advised her to feel compassion rather than anger, she initially felt relieved because this fit right in with her defenses. Since anger was terrifying and threatening to her, she saw the teaching on compassion as a way to refuse to deal with her anger or the message it contained. So what is the end result when she comes from this point of reference? The teaching on compassion, instead of helping her, increased her sense of frustration and powerlessness in her marriage AND it actually hindered her personal growth.

"In taking into consideration the absolute and relative nature of this woman, it becomes extremely critical for me, as a minister, to show her that she needed to pay more attention to her anger in order to move beyond her pattern of self-suppression, so that she can discover her inner strength and power, and begin to relate to her husband in a more active, assertive way. Then and only then, when she has learned to set boundaries, to treat her self with respect and to honor her feelings, does the higher truth of compassion come into effect.

"You see, in reality, this woman’s attempt at compassion was not be entirely genuine because it was based on rejecting her own anger. For this higher truth of compassion to function in her world, she would have to be willing to feel, acknowledge, and come to terms with her anger before she could arrive at genuine forgiveness and compassion. As they say, you should never put the cart before the horse."

I know for myself that I have been conditioned from childhood to hate my anger. Because of this, when I observe anger, I have a tendency to judge and suppress it, to get rid of it, because it is “bad” and painful, or shameful or even worse… “unspiritual.” Thus, in order to learn what anger is trying to teach me so that I can fully embrace it and be compassionately transformed, I must be very careful to have an open mind and heart to let myself feel fully, even if it means touching the deepest wells of grief, sorrow and rage within me. I have to be willing to do this so that I can receive the lesson and the blessing that this feeling would give me. Yes, I said, “the BLESSING this feeling would give me.” It’s like Jacob wrestling with the angel until he is blessed.

In order to explore this feeling, questions I could ask myself are, "What aspect of my self is asking for acceptance and compassion? What part of my self that has been rejected is asking to be received, valued and accepted again? Can I touch with love whatever I have closed my heart to? Do I have a false belief that is hindering me from being a whole person? Has a boundary been violated? Do I need to set a boundary or do I have a defensive state that is alienating myself from others? Is there something that I need to forgive? What is the lesson, the message I am to receive?"

Let’s take another example – one that is more personal to me.

A little over 8 years ago, I came to a point in my life where marriage sounded like a really good thing. I found a man that I was extremely attracted to and who was apart of the same church I belonged to. In my mind he was the perfect match because spiritual compatibility was all that mattered! That was what I was taught! All I had to do was do everything I could to make him happy and then I would be happy. You know… treat him good, he’ll treat me good? “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!”

Well, after the first year of marriage, I began to question that logic. For it became quite apparent that we had hardly anything in common accept our spiritual background. And doing everything I could to give my husband a satisfying life, I had put all of my needs and desires on hold. It didn’t take long before I became depressed and downright miserable! You see, I wasn’t taking care of myself! I wasn’t acknowledging my own personal needs because I was taught that other people’s needs were more important than my own. You may have heard the statement, “JOY means Jesus, Others, You.”

Well, since I wasn’t doing too well in taking care of my self, the universe decided to give me a wake up call. In less than a year’s time, 4 years into my marriage, I was involved in two car accidents. In the first accident my car was hit from behind. In the second, a deer jumped in front of my car. After the first incident I was a physical wreck. After the second, I was a total wreck – physically, psychologically, spiritually and emotionally. A TOTAL WRECK!

Here I was, recovering from physical injury, attempting to work full time despite those injuries in order to keep a roof over my and my husband’s head and feeling emotionally overwhelmed, distraught and frazzled.

It was then, when I was at the lowest of lows, that I began to understand self acceptance. Through medical assistance, physical therapy, counseling and self care I began to accept the fact that I had needs in all aspects of my being – physically, psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually – and some of those needs were extremely different (sometimes opposite to) my husband’s needs. I realized, then and there, that it was okay to be me and I deserved to be cared for.

I needed physical exercise and rest. I needed to get a deep tissue massage every other week. I needed to set limits on what I would and would not do. I needed relationships where I could be emotionally vulnerable and accepted! I needed to speak up when someone violated a boundary. I needed a place where from time to time I could have peace and quiet! I needed a place that I could call home for longer than 5 years. I needed time to go play and to chill out. It felt good to have a dog!

In recognizing my own needs, even my own fundamental needs as a human being; I discovered that when I ignored or denied these needs, I was eroding my health at every level. Ignoring my needs was like sending an express letter to my self that I wasn’t important enough to get my needs met. I also noticed that when I began to take care of my self, when I began to accept my self and value my self, my confidence and self-esteem rose. My emotional and physical health improved! When I decided to do the deep, hard work of coming to terms with my past – accepting, grieving and forgiving it, I noticed that not only did my emotional life begin to blossom but my spiritual life as well. I began to experience an internal freedom, an internal expression of wholeness and completeness that I had never experienced before. I felt closer to God, to Spirit than I had in a very long time.

I realized that I had to accept and value my self as a whole integrated person in order for these phrases, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!” and “Love Thy Neighbor as Thyself”, to make sense and come alive for me. You see, I discovered that all components of my self were indeed sacred and worthy of care. And with this realization, I was able to see the sacredness in others and therefore give the same care toward them as I did toward myself.

In cultivating self-acceptance, and tolerance towards myself and others, I also found myself being far more understanding, patient, empathic, balanced, and open-minded.

And finally, through this process of growth, I came to realize that true intimacy came from being known, and being known required knowing my self, having a self to know, and having enough of a sense of my own individuality to have something to present to the other.

In “A Path with Heart,” Jack Kornfield writes,

Much of spiritual life is self-acceptance, maybe all of it. Indeed, in accepting the songs of our life, we can begin to create for ourselves a much deeper and greater identity in which our heart holds all within a space of boundless compassion.

Self-acceptance is of vital importance. I CANNOT EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH! With this awareness, we can learn to release ourselves from needy, fearful or compulsive identities to discover a wholeness and well-being, a sense of inner and outer freedom.

When we incorporate self-acceptance, self-realization, and self-knowledge into our spiritual practice, we discover that the conflict and pain we have carried for so long can lead us to new levels of freedom. We recognize that each circumstance has a lesson that can bring us to its own particular awakening.

Unconditional acceptance is the kind of love Jesus speaks of when he taught to love thy neighbor; that Buddha meant when he said that the enemy, adversary or competitor can be one’s greatest teacher.

Self-acceptance causes a profound shift in identity that leads us to becoming whole integrated beings – in becoming the Buddha, the Christ, Krishna.

As the Oracle of Delphi stated it, “Know thyself. Knowledge of oneself is the only real knowledge, for as one understands oneself, only then may one truly understand another.”

Exploring our identities is deep, hard work. It often requires the facilitation of a teacher, guide or counselor. Use them. I do.

I would like to share with you a poem that summarizes the message I am trying to leave you with today. It is called “Know Thyself”. The author is unknown.

You can’t be all things to all people.
You can’t do all things at once.
You can’t do all things equally well.
You can’t do all things better than everyone else.
Your humanity is showing just like everyone else’s.

So:
You have to find out what you are, and be that.
You have to decide what comes first, and do that.
You have to discover your strengths, and use them.
You have to learn not to compete with others,
Because no one else is in the contest of “being you”.

Then:
You will have learned your own uniqueness.
You will have learned to set priorities and make decisions.
You will have learned to live with your limitations.
You will have learned to give yourself the respect that is due.
And you’ll be a most vital person.

Dare to Believe:
That you are a wonderful, unique person.
That you are a once-in-all history event.
That it’s more than a right, it’s your duty, to be who you are.
That life is not a problem to solve, but a gift to cherish.
And you’ll be able to stay one up on what used to get you down.

In closing, I would like to recite the Serenity Prayer, in its original wording, composed by the 20th century Protestant theologian, Reinhold Niebuhr, in 1943. This prayer, in its revised version, is widely used by AA, NA, CoDA, Al-Anon and Alateen members.

God give us grace
to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed,
courage to change the things that should be changed,
and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.

Amen.

The book that inspired this talk today was written by Jack Kornfield. It is called, A Path with Heart. I highly recommend this book to all of you as it contains invaluable depth and teaching that I was unable to touch on today.

Thank You.